SEACHONKS Lost Art
Episode 09 · 22:00 · Catastrophe

Seafire

A plot: the biggest haul in history, intercut with the Sea SI and Sea Mossad raiding both apartments.

B plot: the Pop-Tart Protocol pays off.

C plot: Ink is taken back across the border.

Heart beat: Seabear making soup for nobody (tag). This is the "cry the eighth" episode.

Read the script →

COLD OPEN

1. INT. ACQUISITIONS WAR ROOM · A

  • The briefing: a sunken human film-studio warehouse, the biggest haul ever. Chonksy: "Where's Gotter?" Seaver: "Sick." Chonksy: "Who found the target?" Seaver: "Anonymous tip."
  • Chonksy notices it, and lets it go. (The audience doesn't let it go.)

ACT ONE

2. INT. LOCKER ROOM · SUITING UP · A/B

  • A hero suit-up montage, with music cues. Chumpy's tactical vest closes for the first time ever. Chumpy: "…It closes." The whole team applauds. Navy Seal salutes.

3. INT. SUNKEN WAREHOUSE · A

  • Endless aisles of film. Awe. Seabear finds the complete box set of a human cooking show and holds it like a newborn. "My heroes."

4. INT. SUNKEN WAREHOUSE · A

  • Chonksy, idly: "Why are we blowing the north wall?" Navy Seal, for the first time in the series, answers fully and brilliantly. Water pressure, structural loads, current flow, extraction timing. Ninety seconds, flawless.
  • Silence. Seaver, emotional: "…Structurally, I love you."

5. INT. CHONKSY'S APARTMENT · MEANWHILE

  • His door bursts off its hinges. Sea SI dolphins and Sea Mossad seals sweep the room.
  • Hard cut: in the warehouse, Chonksy laughs at something Seabear said.

ACT TWO (INTERCUT)

6. MATCHED CUTS · A

  • Crates lifted in the warehouse, drawers pulled in the apartment. Triumphant music in one, silence in the other. Seabear hugs a crate. An agent bags a napkin.

7. INT. CHONKSY'S APARTMENT · SEAFIRE

  • Green seafire, the fire that burns underwater, consumes the pages, the reels and the napkin book. Twelve years of lines curl and glow.

8. INT. CHUMPY'S APARTMENT

  • Agents toss it. One finds a framed photo on the dresser, turns it over, and freezes. Agent: "…Oh. Oh no." The agents get very careful and very polite after that. (We don't see the photo. Season 2.)

9. INT. WAREHOUSE · COMMS · A/B

  • Chonksy: "We got everything." Chumpy: "Everything." The best moment of their careers.

10. EXT. BORDER CHECKPOINT · C

  • Ink is stopped coming back. They find raw footage in her bag. Octopus guards march her back across the line.
  • Platrick on comms: "…Ink?" Nobody answers.

ACT THREE

11. INT. APARTMENT HALLWAY · A/B

  • They step off the elevator carrying crates of the greatest haul ever into a hallway full of green smoke. Both doors are smashed in. A crate slips. DVDs scatter across the floor.

12. INT. HALLWAY

  • Seapholk holds up an empty foil wrapper. "We built it for a beaver. We got a chonk with a sweet tooth."

13. INT. HALLWAY · A/B

  • Seapholk, explaining like a teacher: the tag, the tip, and the vault (three real reels, eleven planted). "Everybody finds the pastry."
  • The second gut punch: "Your favorite chonk comedian? Human. A clip from a few years ago. We dubbed it."
  • Chumpy looks at Chonksy. He can't speak.

14. INT. GOTTER'S APARTMENT

  • Empty. "Retired." The old clapperboard sits alone on his chair.

15. INT. CHONKSY'S APARTMENT

  • There are cameras on every wall now, all of them pointed at the couch. Chonksy sits in the middle of them.

TAG

16. INT. CRAFT SERVICES · NIGHT · ♥ heart beat

  • Seabear makes soup in the empty tent and sets out bowls for everyone who isn't there. To nobody: "Have you eaten?" He sits down with his own bowl and doesn't eat it.

ON THE CURRENT

21. THE CITY WATCHING: CURRENT NEWS · slot: intercut during Act Two

  • In diners and store windows, the city watches Current News. The pufferfish anchor reads: "Officials describe tonight's activity in Upper Kelpwood as a routine fire safety inspection." He inflates with each word. On "inspection," he pops. The co-anchor, a swordfish, keeps reading without looking.

SHOWRUNNER PASS · WORLD-TRUE (new scenes)

Tests: true to the world, funny, interesting. See WORLD.md.

30. THE NAPKIN, ASSEMBLED · during Scene 7

  • As the seafire burns, the season's flash-forwards arrive in order: the napkin, the fedora, the coil, the bowls, the red light. The audience realizes they've been watching tonight all season.

31. INT. CURRENT NEWS · EDITORIAL MEETING · before Scene 21

  • Midnight. Editors around a whiteboard choose the word live. "'Raid'?" "Too strong." "'Visit'?" "Too warm." "'Incident'?" "Implies something happened." "'Routine fire safety inspection'?" Silence. "…Book it."
  • Fire safety is the joke: the only people allowed to light fire are the people who just lit it.
  • The pufferfish anchor in the corner is already inflating. Editor: "Breathe, Gary." Pufferfish: "It's Doug." Editor: "Breathe, Doug." (Gary is the half-asleep dolphin. Every institution has a Gary.)

32. INT. SEA SI INTERVIEW ROOM

  • The Sea SI interviews crabs on molt week, when the shell is soft. Doris, pink and helpless under a bare bulb. Seapholk (smiling, because he can't not): "You heard him change the line in Episode Three. You didn't report it." Doris (trembling): "It was better." Seapholk pings her with sonar and reads her pulse. It's true. She thinks it was better. He writes something down.
  • Smash cut: Doris, shell grown back, in the Archive, sorting HUMANS BEING WEIRD. A home-workout DVD. She studies it and files it under WEIRD. She'll be here the rest of the season. She leaves the room sideways.

COMEDY PASS · STAKES & LAUGHS

Engines from Seinfeld, Bernie Mac, Gillis, Rock, Farley and the bench. See COMEDY_PASS.md.

STAKES: everything. CLOCK: one night. PRICE: everyone.

40. I'VE NEVER SEEN A POP-TART · Sea SI interview room · Tim Robinson / Farley

  • Chumpy, frosting on his face, crumbs falling out of his vest. Chumpy: "Never seen one. Don't know what it is. Is it a hat?" Seapholk (smiling) pings him with sonar: "It's in your stomach, Chumpy. I can see it." Chumpy: "…That's a different one." Seapholk: "There are two?" Chumpy (realizing): "…No comment."
  • He commits harder: "I'm allergic to pastry." "You're eating one right now." He is. A third one, from the vest. He keeps eating it.
  • Then the real stake: Seapholk: "Give me Chonksy and you go home." Chumpy, mouth full, stops chewing. Swallows. "…I'd do it again." He never gives up Chonksy. The only time in his life Chumpy has been defiant, he does it with frosting on his face.

41. "OCEAN." (LAST TIME) · Scene 14, Gotter's apartment · Bernie Mac

  • Agents walk Gotter out in his bathrobe. In the doorway he turns to the lens. Gotter: "Ocean." Long pause. He doesn't say anything else. He nods at us, once. They walk him out. The camera stays on the empty armchair. ★ heart beat